Liquid Burger Closing Nationwide

Gerald Kelura, President and founder of Liquid Burger has announced that he will be shutting the doors of all Liquid Burgers nationwide in these next few weeks. He also issued a formal apology reprinted here courtesy of GoBoingo Biz Feed:

To All our Investors, Employees and loyal customers, I want to extend my sincere thanks and gratitude. You believed in Liquid Burger and you loved, lived and believed in Liquid Burger. But I let you down. As I’m sure many of you know by now, while the Food and Drug Administration approved our recipes and we were fully in compliance with federal health codes, Liquid Burgers are not a good product. They cause obesity, they’re terrible for your heart, and they affect the neurological development of children. And let’s just face it guys, the product I invented makes people lazy.

I got into this business 10 years ago for two reasons. The first was that I love fast food. Always have and always will. The second though, was to make money. And I see now that money isn’t everything. Money can’t buy health. Money can’t buy a generation of ingenuity or innovation. I have damaged our nation’s youth with my product. I have hurt America with my greed and nearsightedness.

But I’m man enough to admit it. Or at least, I’m striving to be. I’ve looked deep into my heart and I want to fix my legacy. That’s why I’m tearing down the walls I alone constructed. I expect no one else to shoulder this responsibility and burden. I am taking the millions of dollars I have earned from this enterprise to invest in charter schools all over this great nation. I am making sure that they have nutrition in the curriculum. You know, thousands of years ago, man hunted for food. These days, food hunts us. People need protection from bad food. They need protection from bad business practices. I have seen the light and I am not afraid to change my ways.

Thank you and God bless America.

Mr. Kelura declined comment on the dozens of pending law suits against Liquid Burger and its affiliates.

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Mind the Goons.
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